Oh the plights of the Wong women...

Okay guys, so I don't have much time to post because I've officially been on Sabbath since yesterday and now I have mucho work to do, but I wanted to make a couple quick comments before I dive back into econ. First of all, Issy has correctly articulated what Wug feels 99.999% of the time (leave some room for uncertainty as all good Physicists do...) This is why Manon often asks me what I do for "fun". I don't have fun...I don't know how to have fun or to enjoy myself without other people. I can semi-enjoy reading a book or a cooking magazine or going to a concert, but only because I can remember times when I read these books with other people, or times in the future when I will make big tasties with other people. Most of the time, though, I probably just don't think about it too much. Thoughtless Wug. Fills up her days with activities so she doesn't have time to ponder and pontificate about life.

I think this is why Wug is so bad at making decisions. You know, the only real reason I'm doing engineering (and financial engineering for that matter) is because I've started it and I really don't know what else I would do. Can't bear to waste all these science credits and lab hours by switching to be a Bachelor of Arts degree. And I think it makes Mum happy, and she's the only one who has really expressed an opinion about my future career. I'm not opposed to anything, but I'm just not a very passionate person. Blah Wug with squiggly Charlie Brown wishy-washy mouth.

I don't think it's necessarily so bad, though. What would the world be like if everyone bowled everyone over with their "strong" personalities? Everyone would talk and no one would listen. Everyone would lead and no one would follow. And I think the leaders and the talkers appreciate the followers and listeners just as much as we appreciate them.

Alright, uninsightful Warg has nothing too profound to say. But I'm sure glad we've got sisters, yozes. Wong women woes don't seem so bad when they are shared.

Love,
Wargles

A General Lament on the Mess that is Tut

Sometimes I think I only have a strong personality for the sake of having one, which is pretty lame, because often I think I scare/annoy people and then relish how “different” I am. I’ve always had a flair for the dramatic, but I misuse it sometimes just to feel that classic Anne Shirley “depths of despair” because Penn people don’t understand me. Most of the time it’s my fault, and then I try to think if I can help being that way.

I realize that I’m actually a very awkward person. You know how some people can just chatter away and do the small talk thing really well? I can’t. I try to fake it, but again, lame failure. I’m used to filling in silence, but when I’m with other people, the only way I know how to fill silence is to be utterly random, which just weirds people out or they laugh confusedly/politely. Not like Saars, who has this patented cool randomness. I guess I’ve been so sheltered by the family that you all let me think I was interesting and funny (but not as funny as Bro) when actually I’m not. I used to wish I could be the star personality in college, but I got here and realized that I’m not as much of a star as most people and maybe that’s not the most desirable of things to be. Now I have this pegged “good Christian girl, goes to bed at 11pm, and loves Mr. Darcy” persona, that I guess I don’t mind too much except that I don’t go to bed at 11pm and I don’t particularly like Mr. Darcy. But of course they do not know Char, Perry, Gilbert, Percy, and Curly, so why bother?

This year, I embraced my difference by being a full blown English major. Of course, in many ways, it just made me more of what I am. I think I am very concerned with being able to like things with intensity uncharacteristic of other English majors. It’s probably because deep down I feel like I’m a really bad writer and an untalented pooface, so I try to cover it up with enthusiasm. And then naturally I get all sad when I don’t do well on papers and such, but really now, that’s unrealistic because if I didn’t do a good job conveying my thoughts, I don’t deserve an A. I get jealous of other English majors good grades, because I am an evil Tut. One thing I found out is that I’m more competitive than I thought. But another thing I began to understand is that more than the grade, I want certain profs to like me. I do so want to be liked by the profs who I like. In that sense, I end up conforming to what they want because I am so eager to please people who I want to like me.

Every time I talk to Mum, I tell her how I have no idea what I’m going to do with my life. I never know. I am in a perpetual state of lostness. I think for Wug and to some extent Issy, you like to read a map for your life, or at least have some knowledge of the future. I feel like I just have this blank piece of paper and I’m in a crowd of people with maps and so instead of trying to get a map, I start playing tic tac toe like Perry during the Royal meetings. I am not stubborn, because I do not have good reasons to back up why I do things as a very irrational and emotional person.

One thing that I am very bad at but admire in Krissy is her ability to give with no strings attached and then fade into the background. But I never read that fading into the background as lack of personality or preference, but more of unselfish honor and all around meekness (which as Mom says is strength under control). Issy has a lot of strength but she has a lot of self control, just like Emma who may lose her heart but not her self control. Issy takes care of her friends and doesn’t make them feel guilty or helpless. Issy maintains the intensity and stays friends with people over time, but I just am like a frog who jumps from pad to pad with no real intention. That and Issy is infinitely capable. Actually I was telling Connie the other day, that the testimony to how manhood has disintegrated (I’m writing a paper about this in the context of the Depression and Gone with the Wind) is the fact that Issy does not have a boyfriend. Issy is honorable and good, capable and talented, intelligent, and funny. AND she dresses well, which of course is of paramount importance…or not. At least not as much of importance as her ability to read Harry Potter better than Jim Dale. So yeah, pretty much I figure there’s no hope for me, and I should like Ophelia in Hamlet, get me to a nunnery because if boys are so idiotic that they cannot see Issy’s shining merits, well I just give up on the whole sex in general (besides the ones who are related to us, not including the Suks or Kenneth). In general, my life has always been easy, but Issy has always had it raf. That is why I write college essays about why Issy is my hero.

Lostness

Lately, I've been feeling a bit lost. I've felt this way at different points in my life, but not for the past couple years. It's a bit hard to describe, but it's sort of this "who am I and who am I becoming" type feeling. I don't like it when people obsess about not knowing who they are. I think Mom sort of instilled that in us - that we don't wait around "discovering ourselves." We go out and do whatever work we see at the present moment and in time, we'll figure the rest out. But sometimes "the rest" doesn't seem so clear.

I think part of it has to do with the fact that I feel like I don't really have strong preferences for a lot of things. Wug, I think you'll probably understand this better than Tut. There are definitely things that I like, but if I'm with other people who have strong preferences, I'll usually defer to them. I think part of it has to do with my people pleasing tendencies. I want everyone to like what we're doing or eating or reading...and I know that even if I like it, if the other person(s) don't like it, then that will erode my enjoyment. So instead, I do what they want to do even though that might not be my natural first tendency if I were alone. And most of the time, it doesn't bother me. Like when I'm with Eun and Steve and Scott watching movies, usually Eun will pick out the movie. And sometimes I don't like it - I get scared a lot more easily than they do - but I'll watch it and I'll enjoy just being with them. And if I'm lucky, sometimes I'll find a new favorite thing in the process. But sometimes, it bothers me that I'm always letting other people run the show. And when it does, that's when I want to be alone or be with people who like all the same things that I do.

I used to tell Michelle that I felt like I didn't have a very strong personality, but I was always attracted to friends who did. People like Michelle or Elisa or Juliet... But I never wanted to be just the "nice" person. Michelle always said that she thought I did have a personality - a personality that adapted to other people a lot, but a personality nonetheless - and she said that she knew that I was super stubborn underneath. But I don't think my stubbornness comes out a lot with my friends. Or maybe I'm no longer as stubborn as I used to be. When I was younger, I used to dig in my heels a lot and I felt like it created friction in the family and in the end, I wasn't happy about making everyone miserable. Even if I pretended to be happy that I had gotten my own way. So maybe I'm overcompensating for that with my friends?