No pain could be deeper, no life could be cheaper

I have way too much to do for me to be frittering my time bemoaning life on our blog. I'm sure this is just a passing phase, but I still feel like life is moving faster than I can live it. IV is wearing me down, but really it's not the assigned duties that make me tired...it's the people who I'm supposed to be "shepherding." I try to care genuinely, but I always end up with these unequal relationships. The thing is, I realize that I do not really receive life from anything in college besides my English classes. I can actually feel when I'm getting replenished. It's good for me to not have many true friends, because then I don't complain to everyone in sight. It's at these moments when I'm really glad that Issy is close by. For the past three years, Issy has taken in all my angst. But now I feel bad about being angsty, because then I'm just sucking life from the people who I like most. Dratteth. I need to find joy in serving. I also need to learn to manage my time better. Low capacity pathetic Tut in a heap. Sometimes when I'm at my many meetings, I just want to get up and say "I'm just a baby Tut! I was never meant for this kind of responsibility." Of course, that would defy all principles of growing up. And then, I hide away in my studies, safe from people. This is ironic. I used to be the one who ran to the door and greeted everyone and always asked who was coming to dinner even if it was Auntie Gloria. Perhaps over time I have grown to like solitude. It probably works with me being a selfish poo who always likes to be understood.

I am scared that I will not be good enough for the PhD. The more I learn about the rigor of the degree, the more insecure I become about my own abilities. Currently I am worried that I am not insightful enough. You can just tell the people who read and comprehend at a deeper level than the rest. I am not one of those two, unlike Kronk. I can read, but I cannot detach my personal experience and life story from the fictitious narrative. I can't make astute observations unless I have experienced some form of its truth in my own life. Basically my only claim to fame is that I really like literature, even though I don't have the capacity to think these earth shattering thoughts about it. I wish I did. I don't want to die in graduate school. It's a good thing I'm taking a year off. I need the time to sit down and sink down in good soft mud.

Actually that would be a splendid solution to this depressing monologue. Some good soft mud. You know, I sure feel like eating duck friend rice right now. That's very odd. Somehow even though I'm a senior, I still am as immature as I was when I was a freshman. I need to quit my Peter Pan act and grow up to be stellar like Wug and Issy.