A General Lament on the Mess that is Tut

Sometimes I think I only have a strong personality for the sake of having one, which is pretty lame, because often I think I scare/annoy people and then relish how “different” I am. I’ve always had a flair for the dramatic, but I misuse it sometimes just to feel that classic Anne Shirley “depths of despair” because Penn people don’t understand me. Most of the time it’s my fault, and then I try to think if I can help being that way.

I realize that I’m actually a very awkward person. You know how some people can just chatter away and do the small talk thing really well? I can’t. I try to fake it, but again, lame failure. I’m used to filling in silence, but when I’m with other people, the only way I know how to fill silence is to be utterly random, which just weirds people out or they laugh confusedly/politely. Not like Saars, who has this patented cool randomness. I guess I’ve been so sheltered by the family that you all let me think I was interesting and funny (but not as funny as Bro) when actually I’m not. I used to wish I could be the star personality in college, but I got here and realized that I’m not as much of a star as most people and maybe that’s not the most desirable of things to be. Now I have this pegged “good Christian girl, goes to bed at 11pm, and loves Mr. Darcy” persona, that I guess I don’t mind too much except that I don’t go to bed at 11pm and I don’t particularly like Mr. Darcy. But of course they do not know Char, Perry, Gilbert, Percy, and Curly, so why bother?

This year, I embraced my difference by being a full blown English major. Of course, in many ways, it just made me more of what I am. I think I am very concerned with being able to like things with intensity uncharacteristic of other English majors. It’s probably because deep down I feel like I’m a really bad writer and an untalented pooface, so I try to cover it up with enthusiasm. And then naturally I get all sad when I don’t do well on papers and such, but really now, that’s unrealistic because if I didn’t do a good job conveying my thoughts, I don’t deserve an A. I get jealous of other English majors good grades, because I am an evil Tut. One thing I found out is that I’m more competitive than I thought. But another thing I began to understand is that more than the grade, I want certain profs to like me. I do so want to be liked by the profs who I like. In that sense, I end up conforming to what they want because I am so eager to please people who I want to like me.

Every time I talk to Mum, I tell her how I have no idea what I’m going to do with my life. I never know. I am in a perpetual state of lostness. I think for Wug and to some extent Issy, you like to read a map for your life, or at least have some knowledge of the future. I feel like I just have this blank piece of paper and I’m in a crowd of people with maps and so instead of trying to get a map, I start playing tic tac toe like Perry during the Royal meetings. I am not stubborn, because I do not have good reasons to back up why I do things as a very irrational and emotional person.

One thing that I am very bad at but admire in Krissy is her ability to give with no strings attached and then fade into the background. But I never read that fading into the background as lack of personality or preference, but more of unselfish honor and all around meekness (which as Mom says is strength under control). Issy has a lot of strength but she has a lot of self control, just like Emma who may lose her heart but not her self control. Issy takes care of her friends and doesn’t make them feel guilty or helpless. Issy maintains the intensity and stays friends with people over time, but I just am like a frog who jumps from pad to pad with no real intention. That and Issy is infinitely capable. Actually I was telling Connie the other day, that the testimony to how manhood has disintegrated (I’m writing a paper about this in the context of the Depression and Gone with the Wind) is the fact that Issy does not have a boyfriend. Issy is honorable and good, capable and talented, intelligent, and funny. AND she dresses well, which of course is of paramount importance…or not. At least not as much of importance as her ability to read Harry Potter better than Jim Dale. So yeah, pretty much I figure there’s no hope for me, and I should like Ophelia in Hamlet, get me to a nunnery because if boys are so idiotic that they cannot see Issy’s shining merits, well I just give up on the whole sex in general (besides the ones who are related to us, not including the Suks or Kenneth). In general, my life has always been easy, but Issy has always had it raf. That is why I write college essays about why Issy is my hero.